Of siLvery shame

of siLver & 13

2006-03-06T20:09:00.000-08:00

Arms around knees and knees to chest.
Cold air filing; watch each slow breath.
Head is sore from banging it to the wall.
Staring at a reflection; a face to fool all.
There she is, so shut down from the world.
First look and all you see is a happy girl.
Look again, farther into her little heart,
She’s destroyed inside; all torn apart.
Arms around knees and knees to chest.
Cold air filling; watch each slow breath.
Tears frozen and bleeding from the head.
Not much longer now and she’ll be dead.
Looking in the mirror, she watches herself die.
A young teenager who no longer wished to try.
Not a sound is heard and she slips away.
God bless the angel who died that day.
Arms fallen from knees and knees far from chest.
Cold air filled; but visible is not a single breath.
Cause of death: suicidal ways left unseen,
God bless the angel who died at thirteen.

of siLvery 13...i might be writtin abt myself..

of siLver & unknown

2006-03-05T22:29:00.000-08:00

I'll never see you, I know...
We won't talk any more...
Your dreams will come true....not with me...
But I will be stronger...I'll forgive...
I'll always remember the dawn
You brought to my land of endless night,
I'll always remember your words...
I'll always believe all these lies...
Just ashes at our feet...Just ashes...small pieces of me...
My dreams, sacrificed, are not yet broken,
And pain will be never forgotten...
‘Eternal ' love ended on one Thursday,
It vanished without a reason...Dismay in my eyes,
endless fears inside...And tears...my tears are crimson...
There's pain, there's distance between us,
But they can't erase all my pain.
It's all left by love, I'm heartless,
Love, dying, has taken my heart away...
I'll find you among a thousand strangers,
Your unknown familiar face...
Can't wait for the day when I meet you,
But it'll be a non-existing day...

of siLvery unknown...

of siLver & venom kisses

2006-03-05T21:05:00.000-08:00

It feels like you are smothering me
I cannot escape from your embrace
why cant you just leave me be?
so I can slip away from your fading grace.
Your words, they run through me like blood
caught in the web of my mind
these empty thoughts now start to flood
like the river of your meaningless lies.
From your kisses, the taste of venom corrupts me
as they are poisoning my soul
dying slowly until I can hardly breathe
your love is something I can no longer behold.
My tears have dried and turned to stone
frozen in time, no longer to fall again
although I'm dying;
I'm lying here alone
a new life for me will soon begin.

of siLvery kisses

of siLver & without you (E)

2006-03-04T23:51:00.000-08:00

veil of indifference i cast upon my broken heart
on the surface i was shining, inside totally torn apart
i mended the wounds by freezing the emotions
and chaining in memory the hopeless devotion
with grace and charm i adapted to my new role
cold fragments of smiles and merciless control
i thought i could live in a perfect masquerade
but i knew too well that some feelings never fade
the promise of "just friends" was a common, cheap illusion
and my calculated mind sinks into deep confusion
i yearn to throw away the mask and let your sunlight through
and admit my days are black
when i spend them without you

of siLvery wifout you

of siLver & untitled

2006-03-04T21:47:00.000-08:00

Like the ghost of a dead
You came back to haunt me
Long sleepless nights i had to endure
Because of you

Once you promised me
That when it was dark
The sun would emerge
But back came not the sun
another black cloud to hide the light

Reopen the scars
That took me centurys to heal
Brought my painful thoughts
Out into the light
After i had hidden them
In the darkest corner of my mind

You promised me
That when a rose withered
A new one would bloom
And become more beautyfull then ever
But a rose can not bloom in a sea of sorrow
“You swore meThat you always would be there

And guide me through it all
But you forsaken me
why have you forsaken me?
And I‘m lost in this world
”All you said Was just lies Spilt breath On dishonest words“

But still, I will not please you
For being the reason for my fall”

of siLvery n coLd you are not the reason i fall...

of siLver & dying

2006-03-04T21:27:00.000-08:00

How could I be so blind?
I was not worth her love
I wish that he would just leave me be
leave me alone, to fade away
let me slip into loneliness
I cannot continue to hurt you
I will never be good enough for you
just let me die, and leave my soul to cease
Do not lift my spiritit has died, and cannot rid itself of its scars
I am now out of reach
you can no longer take my hand
to guide me away from sadness
I have no strength to smile
all I can do is cry
so why should I continue living?
while all I am is worthless and alone?
I just feel so lonely; lost and forgotten
so just let me slip away
and do not cry for me
for your tears will only leave one more scar on my soul.

of siLvery dying

of siLver & burn

2006-03-04T08:25:00.000-08:00

Scream, scream
I cannot think
I cannot bear
To go to sleep
I often stay up till late
To calm the thoughts
Pounding at my head
To wait until I’m sure They’re dead like you
So scream my darling,
I cannot stand you
A moment longer with you in my mind
Would be the death of me
You make me cry
And turn my stomach
Scream at me and go away
Cry, cryWhen will you learn?
I’m over you
You don’t own me
I cannot forget you
And I will never be free of you
Until I’m really sure We’re dead again
So cry my darling I no longer care
A moment longer with you in my mind
Would be the end of me
I need to scream
And stand my own ground
Cry for me and go back home
There will never be a day
When you don’t scream at me
You’ll be there sitting on my bed
Waiting to hurt me
You’re the force behind anxiety
You never should have existed to me
Now I long to be alone
Truly alone without you screaming“You betrayed me” in my ear
Never ever, never lose contro
lI won’t give in to your emotionless eyes
Cry, scream, darling
Just leave me here
I don’t need you guiding me
You’ll drive me off the bridge
I know
Just leave me here
While you burn.

of siLvery while you burn

Of siLver & Efa

2006-03-03T20:51:00.000-08:00

Black velvet swept through my dreams
Of scarlet beauty and cristiline tears,
As the moon erases all memories but you...

Laying in darkness as my soul betrays me
Forever, for my angel’s return
Alone facing the horrors of emptyness
Nothingness takes control of myself,my being
and never sets me free...

Stranded in a web of lost memories
Broken dreams haunt my feelings
For your presence efa, lingers in my mind
As i await to be sucked through the void
Of life´s betrayal...

Dreams unsaid and unknown
For i have forever been alone
Wandering through my wounded image
Reflected in the mirror of life
Embraced by the shadow of my doubt..

So i await endlessly for you
My angel of scarlet wings
And cristiline tears
Beauty unseen in life’s remembrance
in vain i await...

No more will to live,
empty of life...
empty of you...
Living eternally with my everbroken heart...

of siLvery dying

of siLver & suicide endin

2006-03-03T20:41:00.000-08:00

tainted by memories ..it hurts,cuttin tru its roots..crimson tide flows as it drop to the floor turnin to ashes..i'm jus waitin.buyin my time. soon i will enter the halls of valhala..when the bell tolls for me n the angels drink...

of siLver & coLd

Of siLver & setia...Efa i'm still am..for the rest of my life

2006-02-28T09:26:00.000-08:00

deras hujan yang turun
mengingatkanku pada dirimu
aku masih disini untuk setia

selang waktu bergant
iaku tak tahu engkau dimana
tapi aku mencoba untuk setia

sesaat malam datang
menjemput kesendirianku
dan bila pagi datang
kutahu kau tak disampingku
aku masih disini untuk setia

Of siLvery setia..

of siLver & my last tonight

2005-11-16T07:29:00.000-08:00

Cry alone, I've gone away No more nights, no more pain I've gone alone, took all my strength I've made the change,I won't see you tonight
Sorrow, sank deep inside my blood All the ones around me I cared for and loved Building up inside of me A place so dark, so cold, I had to set me free Don't mourn for me, You're not the one to place the blame As bottles call my name I won't see you tonight
So far away, I'm gone. Please don't follow me tonight An while I'm gone everything will be alright
but I can't see myself that way Please don't forget me or cry while I'm away

No more breath inside
Essence left my heart tonight
No more breath inside
Essence left my heart tonight

of siLvery & tonight

Of siLver & coLd

2005-07-26T07:52:00.000-07:00

its been 4wks..it seems that things are gettin tougher each moments.. drugs and alcohol pretty much run my life now.the shiver gets longer.. the cold gets colder.. the pain gets painful..i kept hearin voices and laughter...mockin me..tauntin me..tellin me to end everythin..tellin me everythin seems pointless..life is rather redundant..pickin up the knife..i cut myself to see if i'm still sane.. to make the voices go away..
Things werent always this way.. life was better..each time i shiver there be my angel hoverin above me assurin me that everythin gonna be fine..givin me the strength to go on..givin me her hope and faith..and love.. it seems no more..now i'm all by myself..each passin night i asked myself why did she go away when i needed her the most??why didnt i treasure my angel?? its a lil too late to regret now i'm afraid..my angel has gone away..too a much happier place..a place fill by lights and not darkness..at the end ..i end up with tears...plague by the memories plague by the tears plague by the moments..
help me dear angel..pls..

Of siLvery shame

Of siLver & Ken

2005-07-26T07:34:00.000-07:00

when to the bay the other day to get some fresh air.. to clear my head..lotsa of things been happenin lately..i was sittin around and i saw ken walkin past me wif his new gal.we end up havin coffee.ken aka Mr Kenshee.. apparently is doin gd now..his freelance design is doin well and he's workin rite now in screen box asia..he asked hows my work at mediaworks..funny thing i didnt know how to answer him.jus told him i was doin ok which was a lie..well ken is settin up his own bizness soon..and he invited to work with him..he used to work for me kinda ironic now that if i end up workin for him..

Yo ken.. if you read this..i'm out of the design world..sorry if i lied to you..well i guess you must be grinin from ear to ear huh knowin that you are now much betta than me..i wanna say sorry for walkin out on you on the last deal..it affected our workin relationship and our brotherhood but dont get me wrong i did wat i did and i have no regrets...anyway whateve u end up i wish you all the best in your life and in your career..i'm proud of you ken.. peace..

Of siLvery shame..

Of siLvery shame.. The finally chapter..

2005-07-17T10:13:00.000-07:00

life is too short to be in sadness n bitterness,go out there and make full use of your life.
never have regrets in watever u did.every bumps u hit every wrong turn you made there is always a way out.self pityness is for losers.drown yourself in your own sorrows n get over with your life.do wat you wanna do without hesistation without a pinch of guilt.dont get drag in coz once u in over your head its hard to get out..
This is what i use to tell people..who seek help from me mentally..funny thing..i can say all this stuff but when it comes to myself..i'm doin the opposite.its true wat they say.. words are easy but not a picture..
cherish what u have coz u might never know n when u lose it than u will only have memories sweet but bitter memories.and each day of your life.you be wonderin and askin yourself this question.. why didnt i?? and when u start cryin everynight..lookin for somethin in your life to get a meanin out of it than u start to realised that you once had a great wonderful life but you threw away you didnt take care of it the way it should have been taken care of.you only got one chance in life to find the best place.
My friends..i'm sorry for evrythin i've done or said that might hurt your feelings. i wished i could go to each and everyone of you and apologised but time dont permit me to do so.life has been great for me.havin all of you in my life was a blessin..there wasnt a day that i wldnt be there for you guys but i'm no longer the same person i used to be.like my nick of silver & cold...silver is the colour of emptiness no direction and cold..u guys know wat cold means...alot of u guys been there for me every step of the way..but i'm sorry i couldnt return that favor in this lifetime..
Where ever u guys are and u guys do..always remember that u guys help out some one like me to go tru wif my pathetic life and its not that u failed but i'm jus stubborn.
take care my friends.. its been great but even great things have to end some way or another... i leave you guys with a poem.i wrote this poem a long time ago and the thing is i finally i understood why i wrote it..it was about myself..sub consiciously i was writin about my life..i just realised..
again forgive my sins and my failure as a friend
i love you all... and god bless you all. i see you all in skies aite... take care.

She walks around
Walking through the halls
Staring at the ground
She doesn't have a friend
She is all by herself
She goes home at night
And takes her book off the shelf
She writes down what happened
What went down that day
You can tell the days she cryed
cause the drops don't go away
If you look on every page
You can see little stains
You see where the ink ran
The memory remains
In this little book
She writes what's on her mind
And no one really knows
All the pain that is behind
Behind every story
Every single poem she wrote
Behind her pretty smile
Behind her suicide notes
No one really knew
and no one really cared
I don't think anyones life
Could really be compared
Because no one cared
Because she had no friends
She wrote her last story
About her life she would soon end
She wrote it in the book
On the very back cover
Cause the pages had been filled
For what people would soon discover
They would finally get to read
All the story's that she wrote
About the things she went through
They would read every single note
Her last entry was dated April 7th 2005
It was titled Now I'm not alive
By the time someone found her
She was soaking in her blood
The book was there beside her
Also soaking in the flood....

Of siLver & coLd..Of siLvery shame..

Of siLver & Maafkan daku

2005-07-17T09:46:00.000-07:00

kasih sudah ku akui semua salahku padamu
berikan aku kesempatan utk buktikan cinta setia padamu lagi
maaf maafkan diriku yg telah membuat hatimu terluka
hanya kau cintaku,ku tak pernah fikir utk pergi darimu walau hanya sekejap sahaja
kan ku peluk dirimu takkan ku lepas lagik utk buktikan cintaku
kan ku hapus lukamu akhiri semua ini hanya utkmu...
janjiku, janjiku padamu utk mencintai mu sekali dlm hidupku
kasih ku dgrkanlah hanya kau yg bisa temani hidup ini sampai akhir usia kita...

Maafkan daku.. Of siLver shame

Of siLver & coLd..story..

2005-07-17T08:02:00.000-07:00

date 17th of july..
its been 2wks plus,time sure flies when u stop doin anything.for the past weeks i've been visitin mak n spendin most of my time with her.or maybe the real reason was to do some soul serchin of my own.enuff abt me.i wanna talk abt mak.mak took care of me for the past 10yrs of my life.shes like wonder woman.in sarong..boyan style..i was her favourite.wat i remembered about mak is that she has this smooth pearly white complexion.she almost smell like lemon plus orange. wrinkles on her face represent the energy n the love she puts in for her family and also the hardship that she went tru.times got bad for mak but she never give up..always smillin always giving encouragement always there when you need her the most, always patience and most importantly among everythin else she always do her best to keep the family goin strong n together even thru adversity and diversity.thats why i call her wonder woman..
Mak was a women with visions n ideas in life,instead of sittin at home and get spoilt she rather go out n make full use of her potential..in short she was a social worker..a great one 2.i remebered when i was still a kid..playin along the corridors with my partners in crime than when its lunch time.she will come out of the house wif her typical boyan style sarong n shouted for my name.. NAKAL SONEE and i would run all the way back makin sure that she wouldnt call my name twice.she might be compassionate n stuff but make her angry.well there goes the neighbourhood.
heard of the sayin 'Hell has no fury than a womans scorn'..thats mak for you.!! anyway Nakal Sonee is a nick name she gave me.its in boyan.its translated has NAUGHTY LIL DEVIL.. i was a devil back than n come to think of it i'm still am.anyway durin my time.this small racin car called tamiya was the toy of the season.everyone in the neighbourhood got one.it was a status thing..
the better car u got the cooler u were. an average joe will jus have the car n a set of repair kits but the rich ones..they have everythin from the tool box custom tool kits n their very own race tracks.it was the in thing.!! i wanted one for myself 2 but it wasnt lucky enuff till of course i pull out a stunt which every kid will do in dire situation.when everythin seems hopeless.. cry my eyes out roll on the floor refuse to eat(but always have some crackers in your pockets.just in case) go supermarket n keep holdin on to the item never wanna let go.than roll around on the supermarket floor.but mak didnt give way at first but i guess all that tantrums n showmanship i display cracked her..and she bought for me a tamiya set plus the tool kits plus an extra engine..gold version..the fastest..!! My car was the best in the neighbourhood.. it was an old black classic AVANTE BLACk..the best of the best..!!soon i was the man till of course mak confiscated my car due to my ignorance in my studies.. even the best got to quit sometimes..!!
On every alternate saturdays,mak always go to lil india to visit a clinic for her check up..and i never failed to follow her. she always gave me treats..than one day i refuse to accompany her.that was one decision that i regretted for my entire life..she went on her own n never came back home.she fainted on the streets n some kind soul send her to the hospital.that event change everythin it changes my life.even though i was still a kid,i still feel the pain and the hurt n her pains cause i was the reason she end up very sick.she suffered from stroke and was in a coma. i visited her almost everyday..and when she came around,she was a shadow of herself. no longer the wonder woman but in place was this fragile frail lookin woman.she lost weight n she looke like she cant even carry herself.she didnt speaked either.tears can be seen flowin down her wrinkle skin.looked into her eyes and i know that time was nearin for her and somehow i knew she was goin away forever and not goin to come back..as days go by.she started to be herself again. talk laugh and smillin.even walkin around.i knew she was fakin all of it.she was in pain but due to her character she didnt showed her pain.she put aside her sickness so that her family could go on with their life and not to worry about her but soon enough she withered away like a flower.the day before she was to be discharged,she finally gave in to her sickness.she finally stop fightin.her spirit dies out and she was ready to be back to the arms of god.i didnt get to see her.i didnt get to see her smile her laughter and her strength.i missed all of that.and so enuff she was gone.taken away from me.i didnt understand wats happenin.i asked why is mak sleepin in the afternoon??
and why was there so many people?? and why was she covered in white cloth?? i went up to her i ask shok her but she never responded.i called her named and pinched her cheeks but she kept silent.no even an eye twitch.i couldnt understand..they told me mak was goin away to a faraway place.but she will always be in my heart.i didnt want that.i want her..
its been years now and i still miss mak.i still dream about her and still see her smile. i visite her regularly and spend my time talkin to her.and apologisin for being the type of person i am now.. a complete dissapointment.i asked her if she heard me? i told her to look out for my family and take care of them and also to look out for this special someone in my life..my angel efa..
Mak, you will always be in my heart and you will always be this strong figure in my life..You will always be my Wonder Woman...god bless you and may peace be upon your soul...

Of silvery shame..Of siLver & coLd

Of siLver....

2005-07-05T06:21:00.000-07:00

I dont see myself anymore
a shadow of myself n my past

Of siLvery shame

Of siLver & mistika

2005-07-01T20:01:00.000-07:00

lovin is not how u forget
but how u forgive
not how u listen
but how u understand
not what u see but
how u feel n not
how u let go but
how u hold on

Mistika mustika... Of siLvery shame

Of siLver & kasihku

2005-06-30T21:25:00.000-07:00

tak ku hiraukan panas mentari pagi
demi cinta ku rela menanti
tak kan goyah walau bagaikan melanda
seribu tahun ku tetap setia
lupakanlah duka mu yang silam
hulur tangan mu sambut kasihku
mari bersama kita melangkah membina cinta abadi

Sambutlah kasihku... Of siLvery shame

Of siLver & remember

2005-06-27T01:47:00.000-07:00

memories are meant to be kept aite,
all of e above are part of ma memories,
and dey r ma past,
and ya ma future

(Saturday, February 19, 2005 2:00:18 AM)

The past still exist in the present.. Of siLvery shame

Of siLver & warmness

2005-06-27T00:55:00.000-07:00

Your hazel brown tint eyes watching every move I make.
And that feeling of doubt, it's erased.
I'll never feel alone again with you by my side.
You're the one, and in you I confide.
And we have gone through good and bad times.
But your unconditional love was always on my mind.
You've been there from the start for me.
And your loves always been true as can be.
I give my heart to you.I give my heart,
cause nothing can compare in this world to you.

Warmness... Of siLvery shame

Of siLver & Longer

2005-06-26T06:19:00.000-07:00

Desolation,
Wide open space,
Between the trees and me,
Emptiness and me,Confusion and decisions,
Feelings hard to define,
And I say to myself,Just a little longer,
Coldness seeps
Its way in,I am falling deeper,
Into what I fear most,
As I reach out,There is nothing there,
As possible there was something once,
Only to be gone,
And I say to myself,Just a little longer,
The sun drops,The last inch of light falls,
The squirrels more likely to be huddled up,
But not me,Something I never possessed,
And I say to myself,Just a little longer,
Then the sun has gone,
Darkness spreads its wings over me,
I see nothing so no one sees me,
Feeling of bitterness only,
And I say to myself,Just a little longer,
An Owl peers down,With question in her eyes,
She doesn't have a hope,In helping me,
As she doesn't see my pain,
Spreads her wings,Passes me by,
And I say to myself,Just a little longer,
The soft earth,Seems the only thing holding me up,
Even then I could slip,And wondering takes me,
To why and how I got here,Without even knowing it,
Yet no one notices,As they didn't see before,
So I say to myself,Just a little longer,
Shimmering in the darkness,I see two moons,
Reflecting off a stream of thoughts,
Ongoing forever more,Along a rocky road,
Slowly giving in to finding a way out,I take the plunge under the river,
Then the wind carries a whisper,
Gently on a breeze,'
Just a little longer

Longer... Of siLvery shame

Of siLver & torn

2005-06-26T06:15:00.000-07:00

Oh gentle winds 'neath moonlit skies,
Do not you hear my heartfelt cries?
Below the branches, here about,
Do not you sense my fear and doubt?
Side glistening rivers, sparkling streams,
Do not you hear my woeful screams?
Upon the meadows, touched with dew,
Do not you see my hearts a'skew?
Beneath the thousand twinkling stars,
Do not you feel my jagged scars?
Seek not my mournful heart kind breeze,
For you'll not find it 'mongst these trees.
It's scattered 'cross the moonlit skies,
Accompanied by heartfelt sighs.
It's drifting o're the gentle rain,
A symbol of my silent pain.
It's buried 'neath the meadow fair,
Conjoined with all the sorrow there.
It's lost among the stars this night,
Too far to ease my quiet fright.
No gentle winds, seek not my heart,
For simply ... it has torn apart.

Torn apart... of siLvery shame

Of siLver & sLeepLess

2005-06-24T06:46:00.000-07:00

the sleepless night i had
all alone in the dark
faces wifh hollow eyes
smiles with empty byes
tormented by voices
of voidless choices
i'm scared to sleep or even dream
devil's play it seems
open my eyes in cold sweat hopin u be by my side
but it seems pointless,lately its been cold like the mornin tide
devil's grip gettin stronger n bold
i am no one now but jus siLver & coLd.
i'm sorry.

Sleepless night... Of siLvery shame

Of siLver & crimson

2005-06-24T06:36:00.000-07:00

The keenness lent to wrong belief
I thought the blade was cutting deep
The mind it plays to cause deception
Except in times of retrospection
The blood a boring simple trickle
Ever slower left my chest
Upon my belly stopped to rest
Life it did not pass my eyes
Or futures still unrealized
Only dreams of vacant trances
Soothing peace my brain enhances
The second time a little stronger
The path of scarlet ever longer
Around my feet accumulating
Standing smiling suffocating
Apparent look of shock I had
Once naked now in crimson clad
I closed my eyes to look around
Saw nothing and made no more sound.

Crimson..Of silvery shame

Of siLver & broken promises...

2005-06-24T06:28:00.000-07:00

A thousand broken promises from a thousand broken days.
A thousand tiny splinters from a thousand broken dreams.
A thousand fragmented wishes from a thousand failed prayers.
And a thousand glass pieces the ruptured this tiny heart.
A million tomorrows will continue to keep us apart.
A million tomorrows will not heal this love lorn poet's heart.
I would die ten million times over for one more look into your sweet face.
I would love you till infinity should you come back to my embrace.
I'm am like a poor angel that has fallen from grace.
All I beg is your understanding, your love, support and faith.

A thousand broken promises... Of siLvery shame

Of siLver & suicide...

2005-06-21T17:38:00.000-07:00

Everyday of her life
She walks around
Walking through the halls
Staring at the ground
She doesn't have a friend
She is all by herself
She goes home at nightAnd takes her book off the shelf
She writes down what happened
What went down that day
You can tell the days she cryedcause the drops don't go away
If you look on every page
You can see little stains
You see where the ink ranThe memory remains
In this little bookShe writes what's on her mind
And no one really knowsAll the pain that is behind
Behind every storyEvery single poem she wrote
Behind her pretty smileBehind her suicide notes
No one really newand no one really caredI don't think anyones life
Could really be compared
Because no one cared
Because she had no friends
She wrote her last story
About her life she would soon end
She wrote it in the bookOn the very back cover
Cause the pages had been filled
For what people would soon discover
They would finally get to read
All the story's that she wroteAbout the things she went through
They would read every single note
Her last entry was datedApril 7th 2005It was titled Now I'm not alive
By the time someone found her
She was soaking in her blood The book was there beside her
Also soaking in the flood
For many years afterThe book was never read
Until someone found it
And 3 days later they were dead
They killed themselves Cause of so much guilt
They never realized
All the pain that they built

A gurl and her book... of siLvery shame